I had a really interesting discussion with a friend tonight about, "getting out of your own way."
This is a really important question that I think we all need to ask ourselves concerning different aspects of our lives:
Why do I not exercise everyday when I know I'm supposed to?
Why do I gorge myself on food that is so obviously bad for me?
What keeps me from obtaining that happy ending that I so desire?
They're not really easy questions when you actually sit down to think about them because it involves questioning and incriminating yourself... something we never want to do. To incriminate ourselves is to place blame on ourselves and why the hell would we ever want to do that? Why would we want to realize that even though our eye is on the prize, we are the reasons that our reach is never far enough.
I look at myself and my own past experiences and struggle with the things that have "theoretically" caused me to be the way I am but at the end of the day; who is to blame? At this point, certainly not the ex, not my parents, not the friends that never answer the phone and not Corporate America. Most of those things can no longer be "blamed", they can no longer be considered because all there is now is me and my own bullshit.
We need to take ourselves off that pedestal that we hold ourselves so high up on and take a step back onto the concrete of reality. You can argue with me that everything is peachy keen with your existence but I know differently. I know that deep inside all of us that we search everyday for more and for one reason or another never find it. The most common denominator in it all is "I." I am the reason that I fail. I am the reason that I am sad. I am the reason that I'm overweight. I am the reason people find me abrasive and rude. I am the reason why people disrespect me.
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I agree: we create our lives. But as I ask the questions you ask, I come to see that much of the problem of getting in our way has to do with our past experience and the importance we placed on our experience. I can blow off the comments and rude behavior of a casual acquaintance because I don't give them a position of importance. But let someone close to me say something hurtful or subject me to any kind of betrayal, i.e., cheating, lying, stealing, etc, and my feelings are hurt. My feelings are hurt and in that hurt I begin to question, not just my friend, but myself. Somehow another's bad behavior says something to me about myself. Is my judgement poor? Am I stupid? Am I so horrible that I deserve, ask, to be treated badly? It is a child's perspective.
ReplyDeleteChildren, by nature, make everything about them. A child who is beaten believes with all sincerity that all that is needed to avoid the next beating is to "be good." Blaming the one who does the beating never enters the mind. As we grow up we realize that the decision of others is not about "being good." Their behavior is their choice. The realization, however, is intellectual. We know this in our mind but we don't actually feel this in our hearts. We continue with our lives as though finding the right recipe will guarantee the right outcome. And, of course, there is no right recipe.
My scares reveal both a clue of how I get in my own way and the depth to which I extended myself, the depth to which I loved. I trusted, I believed, I was willing to lay myself bare and was betrayed. In that betrayal I withdrew and fell into myself, retreating and hiding. I pretend not to care. I pretend not to give importance to this, that, or another thing, when in reality it's eating a piece of me up. The cut is usually followed by a statement or thought something like, "I will never do that again." Regret - and this becomes the wall we build around ourselves which does exactly what we want it to: protect us from pain and hurt. The protection the wall gives us, though, comes at a price. We find ourselves dissatisfied on a variety of levels.
How do we get from behind the wall in order to pursue a more fulfilling life experience? The obvious answer is a willingness to experience the pain and frustration and the rest without taking it into ourselves. The big challenge is to allow the feelings of hurt and rage and frustration or whatever to bubble to the top, express themselves, and then let go. Let bad behavior be the responsibility and burden of the doer, not the recipient. It's easy to say all this, but can it be done? I don't know. I haven't been able to do it, but I'm working on it.